What keeps you going?

So I'm twenty five. When dad was my age, I was already six months old. When mom was my age, I was four. I didn't feel old when I stopped being a teenager. Nor when I passed 21. Nor when I stopped being an undergrad. But suddenly, twenty five has dropped on me like a bomb-shell.

Honestly, I think its the working. I have a desk job. I've started to grow used to it. It's a whole new world. A world where changing the world or following your heart aren't top priority. Where music and theatre are hobbies, not to be confused with what puts food on the table. A world where aspirations are limited to getting the next promotion and pay hike. Why? So that there's stability and comfort.

Its put me in a dilemma. How do I be at peace with myself without changing the world? Without being famous? Without being recognised and talked about everywhere I go? How do I be at peace with becoming just another rich-ish consultant? What can I hold on to to keep me going?

Just a thought. I speak to so many people older than me, and one continuous strain I hear is that you do it for the family. For the person you love. For your children. You keep going so you can buy your wife the car she wanted. So that you can send your children to the best schools and colleges money can buy. So that you can treat them with good food, a great house, and other such creature comforts. Sure, you do stuff for yourself too, but how many times have I heard older people say that their happiness lies in their children's happiness?

But then again, I'm gay.

I'm not going to have a wife.

And I'm a lot less likely than any given straight person to ever settle down. It seems like there's no love around these days. No trust. Certainly not in people who frequent Soho.

Sure, friends can keep me going. But for how long? Soon enough they'll find people they love. And even if they don't there's something you share with your family that you don't with friends.

I don't know. Maybe I need to be famous. Maybe I need to change the world. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I still think I can. Even though that voice in my head is going further and further away, being slowly downed our by the voice that looks forward to the next promotion, to saving up enough to buy a house...